Men often lack these emotional skills precisely because they’ve rarely been expected — or permitted — to develop them. Instead, young women have been tasked with practicing and perfecting emotional labor. Traditional masculine norms like pride often keep men from extending their expressions of vulnerability beyond the comfort of romantic relationships. Many fear that admitting they’re overwhelmed will diminish their self-worth. Emotional fluency will take practice. And because expectations of manhood haven’t evolved as quickly as those for women, that practice must be met with patience.
Our understanding of masculinity must also shift to make space for emotional connection between men. Vulnerability is often taught by women and associated with intimacy — leaving little room to express it in male friendships. But men need friendships grounded in trust, mutual honesty and shared vulnerability.
Nearly every man I spoke to said his male friendships left him feeling worse about himself. This not only deprives men of the full range of support they need in tough times, but limits nuance in emotionally complex situations. As several male interviewees pointed out, their friends were often quick to “hate” or “blame” women after breakups. Instead of emotional language that deepens the gender divide, it can instead be used to bridge it, helping men move through hurt with reflection and toward growth.
Finally, we need to redefine what it means for men to be a “provider.” Caring for others should be central to what masculinity can mean. We must also rethink what it means to “protect,” as many men I spoke to believed withholding their emotions was a form of care.
Dating teaches us many things: how to take emotional risks, how to fail, how to communicate. Above all, relationships teach us how to be vulnerable. But with 29% more men than women in Gen Z currently single, a gender skills gap will only continue to widen. As more women step back from relationships, many men may never get the chance to learn.
Those who took on this homework — who shared their burdens with friends, practiced self-awareness and showed up with emotional fluency — weren’t just more attractive to the women they dated. They also became better partners. If we are to love each other, masculinity has to evolve to hold that vulnerability, for everyone’s sake.
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
