If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell her to do the following to stand up for herself in the workplace.
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Key Takeaways
- Direct confrontation is key to stopping workplace bullying — calmly assert your identity and correct mispronunciations or name changes.
- Using humor can also be a powerful tool to reclaim control and highlight inappropriate behavior in a less confrontational manner.
- It’s essential to set boundaries early on in professional settings to teach others how to treat you and not to tolerate disrespectful behavior.
As we celebrate National Daughters’ Day, here’s the advice I want to give to my daughter, and all of our daughters, on how to stand up for themselves in our workplaces.
While the world of work may look different when my daughter does join the workforce, one thing will still remain true: Bullies will continue to follow us from the classroom to the conference room table. There will always be individuals trying to take advantage of, undermine or overwork others in our workplaces. For my daughter and all of our daughters, how they speak up for themselves in the moments that matter can determine how others will choose to treat them.
Dear daughter,
My full name is Madhumita (pronounced “ma-doo-me-tha”) Mallick. My name has evoked a constant swirl of emotions for me: shame, pride, anxiety and joy. So for most of my life, I just went by Mita. But when I graduated from business school and rejoined corporate America, I attempted to reclaim my full name. I was used to having my name be mispronounced, misspelled and even repeatedly be mistaken for the only other brown woman in my town or team. I wanted to reclaim my name as a source of pride, identity and heritage. I wanted to embrace and honor my full name.
As I share in The Devil Emails at Midnight: What Good Leaders Can Learn from Bad Bosses, my former boss, The Sheriff, was the popular bully everyone liked at the company. He targeted me from the beginning, knowing that I had my head down, worked hard and wanted to do well in my job. When it came to my name, the Sheriff decided not to repeatedly and intentionally mispronounce my name. He decided not to give me a nickname that was short for something else. He decided to completely rename me. Because he couldn’t pronounce my full name Madhumita, and didn’t want to learn how to pronounce it. He decided to rename me and call me Mohammed. Because he could and he wanted to.
I’m embarrassed to admit that for many, many, many weeks, I responded to a name that was not my own. Until I finally found the courage to leave. If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell her to do the following.
Related: What Starting My Business Taught My Daughter About Entrepreneurship
Be direct and stand up for yourself
Let them know calmly and firmly that this behavior is not okay. Look them in the eyes and say: “Please call me by my name. You can learn to pronounce Madhumita. Or call me Mita.”
They might come back and say, “Oh, it’s just a joke.” In return, you can repeat firmly, “I don’t appreciate that comment. It’s not okay.” This reinforces that you won’t allow them to discredit your response and reaction. Bullies will often target individuals who look like they don’t stand up for themselves. They may see traits like shyness and being quiet as easy targets. And in my case, they also targeted me for having a “different” type of name. If you don’t stand up for yourself now, this bully will be back for more.
Give them a dose of their own medicine
If you get anxious about being direct, try using humor in the moment to get the same point across.
“Wow, that’s a bold interpretation of my name. Let’s try to pronounce it correctly together,” or “Sounds like a pronunciation error. Let’s reboot and start again. This is how you pronounce my name,” or “That’s a very artistic and creative take on my name. Let’s go with the original version though.”
You can also give them a dose of their own medicine and see how they like it: “Oh, I just thought of the best new name for you! Do you want to hear it?”
You can use this approach to be a mirror to show them how they are behaving. By using humor, you may be able to help take back control of the situation. The bully may be embarrassed by this mirror approach and move on.
Related: Stop Telling Women to ‘Smile More’— It’s Time to End This Workplace Double Standard
Ask for help
Say or do nothing at the moment. Power dynamics in our workplaces can impact our ability to speak up in the moment. If the person bullying you is more senior, we can be afraid of retaliation during or after the incident.
Ask for help. Document what’s been happening, and find someone else you trust in the workplace to help with a plan of action. Someone more senior may be able to intervene. You don’t have to try to outsmart or put the bully in their place alone. Don’t suffer in silence. Lean on your family and community outside of work as well. We can all help you craft an exit strategy and help you move on to workplaces where you will be celebrated. Places where you are seen, recognized and where you belong.
Remember that the first time someone disrespects you in the workplace, it likely won’t be the last time they do it. Whether it’s your boss or a peer, set those limits early on what behavior you will and will not tolerate. We teach people how to treat us, so set your standards high and establish those boundaries clearly from the start. When you speak up for yourself, you will inspire others to speak up for themselves as well in our workplaces.
Key Takeaways
- Direct confrontation is key to stopping workplace bullying — calmly assert your identity and correct mispronunciations or name changes.
- Using humor can also be a powerful tool to reclaim control and highlight inappropriate behavior in a less confrontational manner.
- It’s essential to set boundaries early on in professional settings to teach others how to treat you and not to tolerate disrespectful behavior.
As we celebrate National Daughters’ Day, here’s the advice I want to give to my daughter, and all of our daughters, on how to stand up for themselves in our workplaces.
While the world of work may look different when my daughter does join the workforce, one thing will still remain true: Bullies will continue to follow us from the classroom to the conference room table. There will always be individuals trying to take advantage of, undermine or overwork others in our workplaces. For my daughter and all of our daughters, how they speak up for themselves in the moments that matter can determine how others will choose to treat them.
Dear daughter,
