As the succession battle at Disney continues to rage on, Ted Sarandos has fielded questions about his desire for the soon-to-be-vacant top job. And the Netflix co-CEO has repeatedly and emphatically insisted he doesn’t want it. “It’s not even on my mind,” he said at a Wall Street Journal conference in October. After all, why would he want the Disney helm? He has built a streaming empire that upended the entertainment business, leaving the rest of Hollywood in its wake and bringing his company’s stock price to new heights (trading at about $1,200 a share as of press time). Still, there is a big something Disney has that Netflix doesn’t: theme parks. The streamer has been branching out more and more into experiential entertainment. (Squid Game: The Experience just expanded to London, in case you want to live out a capitalist nightmare overseas.) Should Netflix want to take the leap, here are some humble suggestions for attractions at Netflix Land.
IT’S A SMALL SCREEN, AFTER ALL
In case you haven’t heard, Netflix is global. With kids’ offerings like Peppa Pig and My Little Pony, the streamer brings children everywhere together, just in their separate living rooms. Here, parkgoers can see how kids across the globe stream. A tablet in Thailand! A phone in France! A PlayStation in Peru!
Illustration by Brian Taylor
GREAT MOMENTS WITH MR. HASTINGS
It’s important to pay homage to our forefathers. An animatronic Reed Hastings will inform guests about Netflix’s humble beginnings and meteoric rise, from mail-order DVD service to top-shelf streamer. In a special encore presentation, on the hour, he will read passages from Netflix’s original culture memo.
Illustration by Brian Taylor
TUDUM!
As they enter the park, visitors will be greeted by Ted and Eleven. They are holding court in front of Netflix Castle, where the streamer keeps its data in the highest turret. How many people have watched your show? Who knows! Not you and not your agent, that’s for sure.
Illustration by Brian Taylor
HAUNTED MOVIE THEATER
North America has lost nearly 5,700 movie screens since 2019. Yes, the pandemic supercharged the shedding, but Netflix can share some of the credit. If they dare, parkgoers can venture inside a ghostly suburban multiplex. There also might be a few Netflix apparitions, like the would-be Nancy Meyers comeback rom-com. Rest in impeccably decorated peace.
Illustration by Brian Taylor
TRUE CRIME MERRY-GO-ROUND
Serial killers, cult leaders and catfish-ers, oh my! Whether it is a documentary or nonfiction, this carousel themed for a fan-favorite genre keeps on spinning. Riding it will have audiences saying, “Wait, haven’t I seen this one before?”
Illustration by Brian Taylor
TUNNEL OF LOVE IS BLIND
If they’d rather be streaming reality TV than commit to a Hinge date, guests can float down a lazy river and see what the fates — or Vanessa and Nick Lachey — have to offer. It will likely be a real estate agent from Albuquerque.
Illustration by Brian Taylor
CHRISTMAS TREE LANE
No matter if it’s on cable or streaming, there is enough holiday cheer to go around. Here, guests can pop into a quaint bakery, a small-town book shop or the cozy childhood home of a former love! And prowling the streets is the North star of Christmas season: Lindsay Lohan.
Illustration by Brian Taylor
PRESTIGE TENT
It may not be the most visited spot in the park, but it’s filled with important work, namely legacy auteur projects that probably would not get financed at more risk-averse studios. No box office? No problem! These few films still grace the silver screen, at least in New York and L.A. for two weeks.
Illustration by Brian Taylor
This story appeared in the June 11 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. Click here to subscribe.
