As Teesa mentions, people in the throes of new love are often quick to cast aside concerns about a duplicitous partner. If you take off those rose-colored glasses and use some discernment, generally you’ll find a “United Nations of Red Flags” just like Teesa did.
1. It feels too good to be true.
Pathological liars are often expert love bombers: bombarding their partners with intense displays of affection ― lavish gifts, last-minute weekend getaways, premature promises of commitment ― very early on.
“Signs you may be dealing with a compulsive liar may emerge slowly in your awareness because in the beginning, the person may confabulate good, exciting things to draw you into their orbit. They love bomb you,” said Debra Campbell, a psychologist and the author of the newsletter Deb Does Therapy.” (She also dated a pathological liar when she was younger, so she’s personally familiar with this stuff.)
“There’s a part of you that wants it to be true; you’re dazzled for a while,” she said. “Then gradually little inconsistencies emerge, maybe over ‘nothing’ things where you find yourself puzzled.”
2. It’s impossible to corroborate things they’ve told you about themselves.
Pathological liars almost always have a formidable resume and family history: They didn’t just go to college, they went to Yale and got their masters at a Public Ivy. Their parents aren’t just rich, they started a family foundation that lends major support to public television and the local arts.
It’s all very impressive ― and all too difficult to corroborate, since you’ve never met any of their college friends or their parents.
“You hear stories, but don’t see the real relationships, and they may even dodge questions about them or other details of their past,” said Kathryn Smerling, a psychotherapist in Manhattan. “They may also claim to no longer speak to their family, which is a little suspect.”
Eventually, you realize their stories are riddled with details that don’t add up: How did they join the Peace Corp and travel at the same time they landed a six-figure entry level tech job in the city?
“In their stories, they may also change details when bringing them back up again – their narrative is inconsistent,” Smerling said.
3. Something doesn’t feel right in your gut.
When you think back on what your partner has told you, does something just feel overwhelmingly off? Sometimes we feel literally queasy when something is awry in our personal lives, said Erin Pash, a marriage and family therapist and the founder and CEO of Ellie Mental Health, a national community-based healthcare company. In instances like this, you should trust your gut.
“Our body sends us danger and safety signals all the time and it usually starts in our stomach. Are you getting more gastro issues than normal?” she said. “Our empathy centers can’t work when someone is lying and that shows up as nausea, indigestion and other just uncomfortable feelings in our stomachs that could be telling you a lot if you just pay attention.”
4. They get defensive or even angry when challenged on one of their lies.
Pathological liars tend to live in a self-created fantasy world. Their fabricated narratives are perceived as reality, so when you confront them about their falsehoods, you rattle their world and sense of self. That doesn’t go over well: They typically respond defensively, vehemently denying any wrongdoing and lashing out at you, said Sheri Meyers, a marriage and family therapist and the author of “Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.”
“They turn the tables by shifting blame onto the individual questioning them, attributing fault and casting doubt on your judgment,” Meyers said. “This manipulation can induce a sense of gaslighting, leaving you questioning the validity of your reality and conclusions. Pathological lying can be part of an abusive relationship pattern.”
5. When you catch them in lies, they dismiss your feelings.
If you express how hurtful it is to be lied to, pathological liars respond numbly: There’s rarely displays of remorse or any acknowledgement of how their compounding lies are affecting you or the relationship, Feuerman said.
“Once you discern a regular pattern of lying behavior in a partner, you’re bound to feel continual pain, stress, and insecurity,” she said.
A partner who’s dismissive or even disdainful of how you’re affected by their behavior is the ultimate red flag, Feuerman said.
“Truth is a basic requirement to build trust and safety in a relationship,” she said. “If your partner is incapable of telling the truth ― be it due to pathology or habit ― it’s time to move on.”
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.
